stupid chock full of points cookies

I would like to go on record as saying that as yummy as the kaufmann's cookies are, they are in no way worth 12 points.

I just had my first one - a co-worker brought them in and Robyn always use dto go on and on about how good they were, so I made the rash decision of trying one before asking Robyn how many points they were (she was at lunch so I couldn't call right then, and I odn't know what came over me, but I wanted one right then). I thought I would be ok since I hadn't had any of my snacks all day. I mean, I'm not un-ok, but I am certainly suffering points wise. I have 2 left for the day and I will be getting 3 back this evening from my aerobics class. So five for dinner - I will be totally ok as long as I don't have any snacks tonight. Can I do it? I hope so. I have been good all week, though I haven't had as much water as I should, but points wise, while I think I went over a little bit, I have been mostly ok. I'm back on the wagon baby!

A rant. I am so mad at myself I don't even feel like I deserve a picture.

So I pretty much feel like I am spiraling out of control. I'm sure a lot of this is forgetting-to-take-prozac related, but I am not going to wait a month in a half for it to kick in to start loosing (or stop gaining!) again. I am furious at myself for my completely lack of control when it comes to what I put into my mouth. It would be so very easy to blame the things going on in my life, but I really think it's just me. I'm trying to grab hold of fog. or sometimes, snow. When I grab it first thing in the morning it's solid, it is right where I can see it and I can feel it in my hands and have a good grasp of it. But as the day goes on, it melts and I try really hard to keep it in my hands, but it's turned to water and just filters out. I try to put it in a container that I think is leak proof, but by the end of the day it turns out I put it in a colander after all. The only way it seems to stay together is keeping it outside, where it stays solid for other people but is just slightly out of my grasp.

What is my problem. Is this the lowest weight I will ever be? Will I ever be able to reach my goals? It really truly doesn't feel like it. I am so frustrated and angry at myself. And I don't want a lot of "you can do it!" or "don't give up!" comments, because I am not someone who gives up, I am not on the verge of giving up or anything. When Joanne brought up the subject "what is going to make you not give up and come back in January this holiday season" or whatever it was she said, I'm glad I wasn't there (I came in as she was saying it) because I would have nothing to add, because the truth is, I would have had nothing to add. In fact, that was the first thing ever that made me think about giving up. The idea had honestly never even crossed my mind. And even when I thought about it, I dismissed it immediately, the thought just seemed totally foreign in my head.

Anyway, I just feel like I am fighting this impossible uphill battle and I can't for the life of my figure out where the hell to get any rock climbing gear.

chocolate dilema

Ok so this new show I am doing (The Sunshine Boys. We open Friday, November 10 (tomorrow!) and will be showing every Friday and Saturday starting at 7:30 through November 25 at Comtra Theatre in Cranberry. Please see www.comtratheatre.com for directions and more info) is leading to some definate off program problems. ok, one big off program problem. One of the props is a gigantic box of chocolate - and of course the actress goes out and buys my favorite kind. ug. So I (and everyone else in the show) have been grabbing a piece or five here and there. I thought I would be able to handle it, but I totally can't.

So I came up with 2 solutions.
1) buy WW candy and bring that - at least I'll know how many points I'm consuming, they're pretty good and they'll fill that choco-sweet craving in pretty much the exact same way as the chocolates that are on set all the time.
2)buy a bag of peppermint patties (1 pt each!) and bring it to share with the cast. I'll still know how many points I'm consuming, they are not as addictive (to me) and I'll look like a wonderfuly giving person.

I already picked which one I am going to do, can you guess which one?

yey for me!

Well today is my birthday and you know what that means! CAKE! Ha. Actually, not really. Since there is chocolate aplenty on the set of the new show I am doing, I have used all my activity points already this week. And so, while I am treating myself to Chinese food from my fav downtown Chinese restaurant for lunch, I am getting Chicken with broccoli & hot & sour soup, which is well within my points allowance and also some of my favorite food. I am going to try very hard to stay on program this week, birthday or no birthday. It is hard though. A gentleman in my show makes wine and brought me a bottle of it yesterday - I am going to try to save that for a week where I have some points to spare.

In other over-eating news, similarly to Joanne earlier this year, this is a very emotional time of year for me. My mother died November fourth eleven years ago, so there's that anniversary, and then there's the anniversary of my fiancé's death coming up in December. While these things do get easier with each passing year, the emotions never really go away. It doesn't help that those are intermingled with holidays that are really all about being with your family, and it's difficult to focus on the "family" part of those holidays rather than the "food" part. Both have depressing aspects. But I'm strong, and the thing about me is that through this entire journey, I am one of the rare people who have never given up. The idea of quitting, ever, has never even crossed my ming - it's simply not an option for me. That's pretty much how I am with everything in my life (everything big - I quit little things all the time, I can't tell you how many unfinished cross stitch and knitting projects I have floathing around...) and I don't see that changing any time soon.

candy bars are Satan's main course

I have so much on my mind lately. How Halloween, despite being my favorite holiday, is evil for those of us with trick or treaters in the house when we are trying to loose weight(and those of us who have coworkers who bring in left over candy to the office). How, even though my birthday isn't until next tuesday, I have been eating like it's my birthday. How I am currently terrified of the scale. How I feel like I have been slacking on my activity. How I feel like this journey currently seems like it's impossible. How I'm going to gain all 97 lbs back this week. How I am annoyed and frustrated and angry that I could be so very close to triple didgets in weight loss, and then I have to sabatoge myself becuase I have a severe lack of self control. Yes, I could talk for pages on all of these and more, but this post isn't about all that.
This is about a tiny yet huge positive thing that happened o me today. I had a very very bad morning here at work. I got yelled at by my boss (and I never get yelled at by her). It shook me up bad enough that I was in tears. The important thing about all this is how I dealt with it in the end. I could have gone to the vending machine or even to any number of coworkers desks and scarfed down candy bar after candy bar. But I didn't. I didn't even want any of that. Part of my job is physical, and that part I tend to spread out over the course of the day or two or three days. But today I wanted to work off all that anger and upsettedness, so I compacted all that into a couple hours of hard physical work and I felt better afterwards. If I had the time an dthe clothes, I probably even would have gone for a run to work it off. I am really proud of myself for not turning to food as a crux for my emotion, instead turning that anger and frustration into something much more healthy and fulfilling.