A rant. I am so mad at myself I don't even feel like I deserve a picture.

So I pretty much feel like I am spiraling out of control. I'm sure a lot of this is forgetting-to-take-prozac related, but I am not going to wait a month in a half for it to kick in to start loosing (or stop gaining!) again. I am furious at myself for my completely lack of control when it comes to what I put into my mouth. It would be so very easy to blame the things going on in my life, but I really think it's just me. I'm trying to grab hold of fog. or sometimes, snow. When I grab it first thing in the morning it's solid, it is right where I can see it and I can feel it in my hands and have a good grasp of it. But as the day goes on, it melts and I try really hard to keep it in my hands, but it's turned to water and just filters out. I try to put it in a container that I think is leak proof, but by the end of the day it turns out I put it in a colander after all. The only way it seems to stay together is keeping it outside, where it stays solid for other people but is just slightly out of my grasp.

What is my problem. Is this the lowest weight I will ever be? Will I ever be able to reach my goals? It really truly doesn't feel like it. I am so frustrated and angry at myself. And I don't want a lot of "you can do it!" or "don't give up!" comments, because I am not someone who gives up, I am not on the verge of giving up or anything. When Joanne brought up the subject "what is going to make you not give up and come back in January this holiday season" or whatever it was she said, I'm glad I wasn't there (I came in as she was saying it) because I would have nothing to add, because the truth is, I would have had nothing to add. In fact, that was the first thing ever that made me think about giving up. The idea had honestly never even crossed my mind. And even when I thought about it, I dismissed it immediately, the thought just seemed totally foreign in my head.

Anyway, I just feel like I am fighting this impossible uphill battle and I can't for the life of my figure out where the hell to get any rock climbing gear.